Ruthbert

My hilarious friend Ruth and I have been keeping each other company from our disparate, cross-city desk-jockey gigs for going on three years now. She works in search optimization.

Here, for posterity, are some of my recent conversations with her:

Ruth: I just accidentally sent an email asking someone for an "estimeat"

Ruth: :'(\
mr. stabby-face feels your pain
Ruth: he is sad because he has been stabbed in the face

K2: oh I hate getting lunch
I always feel guilty that I did not prepare my own 
K2: I currently do all my cooking at D's on the weekends
weeknights I live on prayer and the non-kosher noodle bowls I keep in my bedroom
Ruth: you should prepare your own lunch then!
[Ruth delivers office lunch recipe]
K2: I have noted your recipe and will take it up with my manager for possible inclusion in a future release
however this week's release is full, I'm sorry
Ruth: mission statement: to increase lunch-eater value by improving lunch efficiency and reducing lunch spend, while maintaining current levels of lunch deliciousness 
K2: of course you realize you're going to have to get signoff from the downstairs cafeteria lady, she's a stakeholder in this
and they're veeeery preoccupied with their chicken parmesean release right now, so good luck getting on THEIR radar
Ruth: I'm confident that the impact to downstairs cafeteria lady will be within acceptable bounds to her organization, and will be more than offset by the increased value offered by the new K2 lunch plan 
K2: Have you consulted EMEA? I'm sure that the Latin regions will buy in to the tortillas, but I don't know if you're aware of this, EMEA's servers are all allergic to gluten
Ruth: it wouldnt' be stored on EMEA's servers, it would be stored directly on K2's work fridge servers
and tortillas can be desk-hosted for several days before losing optimum freshness

Ruth: I am gradually accumulating Buffy seasons, when sale prices coincide with coupon-having on my part. M calls the shelf where I store them the "Garden of Whedon."
K2: 7 more bottles of meetings on the wall, 7 more bottles of meetings
cancel one down, send it around, 6 more bottles of meetings on the wall
Ruth: I hope that someone gets my
meeting in a bottle yeah

K2: I wrote a song on the way in to the tune of that "Shorty got low" song.
Here it is:
She had the powerpoint deck
And the laser poin-ter
The whole conference call was lookin' at her
Ruth: She hit her visio
next thing you know
spending got low, low, low, low low low
she had the Excel spreadsheet
and that ThinkPad in her lap
she turned around and gave that big budget a slap
Hey! She hit her visio
next thing you know
spending got low low low low low low
Ruth: in the last 6 weeks there have been 133 searches for the phrase "nose bidet"