Welcome to the next episode of Ruthbert, wherein two non-colocated sardonic female information workers search for life, love, meaning, and original puns about bears.
K2: I spelled "for example" as "for exmaple"
this particular field goes out to all of you ex maples out there
don't ever go back, man
K2: Oh god, I'm sorry for this:
"I know you're pining away.... but don't fall off the wagon"
K2: "I'm not ON the wagon, man. I AM the wagon"
Ruth: NO K2 that's a BAD K2
Ruth: now you go to your room and THINK about what you did
Ruth's statuses for April 08:
- One two three o'clock four o'clock BARACK
- Solid as Barack
- Barack-a-bye baby, in the treetop, when the wind blows the cradle will Barack
- We built this city on Barack and roll
- Hush little baby don't say a word, Obama's gonna buy you a Barackingbird
- Walk this way, Barack this way
- Barack me Amadeus
Ruth: travel doctor? is that like a miniature version of a doctor, that comes in a plastic carrying case?
K2: it's nice because he's magnetic on the bottom and doesn't tip over
Ruth: makes it harder to lose him under the seat, too
K2: sometimes you drop him and find him sticking perpendicular out of the gearshift
Ruth status: "whipped topping" is a phrase disturbing in its vagueness
K2 status: Officemate: What would you do without me? Me: I don’t know! Probably become a Pollyanna optimist with nothing but hope for the future and respect for Microsoft products. Officemate: I doubt that.
Ruth: oh, that's no good
K2: I would like to drive a requirement into today's Ruth Release
it's a pry 2, but will support many other releases
it's called: More Talking
you'll note if you take a look at the process workflows that we would like at least 15 Funny Jokes included in this piece of functionality
Ruth: I don't know if 15 Funny Jokes is a realistic expectation of deliverables this late in the Release
what are your KPIs for the jokes?
we're measuring them by funny sounds
like "ingers" and "oogle"
that's going to have the greatest customer satisfaction impact
also references to bears
Ruth: Those success metrics sound reasonable
here is my counter-proposal:
I should be able to get you 10 Funny Jokes by EOD
Ruth: we can push the remaining 5 out to tomorrow's release
Ruth: and supplement in the meantime with Talking About Boys
Ruth: my research has shown that customers respond almost as well to Talking About Boys
but admittedly, the sample size is small
K2: that may be bad news to our Future Humor Writers of America division, but the 13 Year Old Girl stakeholder group has been trying to push that change request through forever
I think we can ship this one
I crashed again
K2: my midday lonesomes are hitting
Ruth: you are not alone
you are at Microsoft
Steve Ballmer is probably spying on you right now
K2: it's going to be cloudy all weekend
Ruth: it better not hail
K2: I screwed up and scheduled a bunch of meetings for Memorial Day because nobody had blocked it off
K2: this is how I covered my tracks: "On second thought, I'm going to declare Monday Memorial Day and give all of you guys the day off. No need to thank me. "
I have godlike powers
this is why it's valid and useful for you to bring your concerns about hail straight to me
I am wearing jeans yay!
K2: ME TOO
K2: that's why we're friends
Ruth: does that mean we're only friends on fridays?
you are ALSO usually wearing something that I also am usually wearing
we could base our friendship on shoes
Ruth: or a bra
or an air of superiority